“What’s your address? I’m going to send you an STD.”

How many times in one’s life does one get to utter that phrase? Yet somehow, I found myself saying exactly that to JJ today. And low and behold, it was somehow related to the wedding.

For the uneducated (which, let’s face it, I really should just refer to as “unmarried men” at this point), whose South Park-induced mindsets have already run wild with the possible interpretations of this phrase, “STD” is knottie-speak for Save The Date cards.

Right, because that helped.

For the uneducated, a “Save The Date card” is a little invitation you send people who will be invited to the wedding which tells them that in a few months they’ll be getting an invitation.

The more naive of you may have thought to question this. I too fell into this trap.

“Why don’t we just send them the actual invitation?”
“Because invitations only go out 2 months before the wedding.”

Adopting a policy of choosing my battles (which is to say, avoiding them entirely), I chose to punch out of that conversation immediately. For your own safety, I suggest not posting any comments inquiring further into this; trust me, further explanation does not help.

Now, I’ve been pretty good so far on this blog about not being outright sexist in my remarks on the production commonly referred to as a “wedding”. The concept of the Save The Date card, however, is very much a product of the Unholy Wedding Trinity, developed by women, for women. Men take a slightly less… for lack of a better word, elaborate, approach.

“Yo dude, I’m getting married.”
“No shit? Sorry man.”
“It’s cool. It’s May 28.”
“Do I have to buy you a present?”
“Yes. And shower the night before too.”

Allow me to offer another example of this phenomenon. A few days ago, I was working on a big project with the other tech leads in work. We were all crammed into a small cubicle, working as fast as possible to hit a deadline of 5pm. Meg sends me a link to a post on theknot.com. Intrigued and throwing caution to the wind as far as my policy of avoiding theknot.com like a golfer from a real job, I decided to see just what could have been so important as to show me at work. As I’m reading the post, I came across a term I had never heard of.

“What’s a ‘Tears of Joy Packet’?”
“Oh, ya. I need you to make labels for them.”
“But what are they?”
“Tissue packets to hand to guests who may cry.”

I’m dead serious, that’s what they are.

Hopefully, one of the guys I work with will vouch for the fact that I literally dropped my head into my hands at this. They showed concern, afraid the pressure of the 5pm drop was getting to me. So I broke down and told them about this nugget of wedding wisdom to which I had just been introduced.

“No shit? Sorry man.”

I get no further sympathy from them as they are all married; it’s my time to pay the “plan a wedding” dues.

My drive to and from work is pretty boring. I found myself wondering what other concepts existed with regard to weddings that I have never encountered, including:

“How Much Was Your Dress Packets”
“What The Hell Are Seat Covers Packets”
“After All This I Have To Buy You A Present Packets”

The other side effect of these save the date cards is that prior to actually mailing them, they served as flash cards for the guest list. (The names and relations of the following conversation have been changed to protect… well, me. Any resemblance of real family members to the fictional characters following is completely a coincidence. In other words, don’t yell at me if I have somehow managed to describe you in the following)

“John Doe”
“Um… your side?”
“No jackass, that’s from your mother’s list.”
“Oh ya, that’s Uncle Johnny.”
“You’re mom’s cousin, but close. Let’s try again. Jane Doe.”
“Your side?”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“Ok, my side. Red headed bastard step child?”
“Actually, you’re right about that part. Martin Dobies.”
“Your side?”
“Are you even paying attention?”
“White?”
“How about Nancy Battaglino?”
“Oh, I know her, that’s that woman that’s always giving me shit on my own web site.”

I’m hoping it’s just that I’m not overly familiar with names. Let’s face it, half of the guest list from my side ended in “Dobies”; I can’t be expected to remember all these people on first name alone. Hopefully, I’ll recognize these people by face at the wedding, otherwise the whole walk-around-and-introduce-the-bride portion of the reception is going to be really uncomfortable. So please, I beg of you to sign the guest book and tell me how you are related to me, so I at least have a fighting chance of getting it right.

9 comments

  1. Of all the “packets” mentioned above, the obvious one is missing….

    The “Hello, my name is & I am” packet.

    You will be creating the “seating” cards, so everyone will know exactly who they will be ignoring at their own tables during the reception. Why not add “Hello, my name is” stickers with each seating assignment. Then you simply read the tag, & introduce the corresponding unknown human. I realize this opens many doors for identity theft, but these are troubled times in which we live.

  2. Hi Jason, this is your cousin Jeff Battaglino… Just so it shows up correctly on the flash cards, I’m your mom’s first cousin. Nancy is my wife. (No blood relation there… you’re children are safe.) I’ve gotta hand it to ya, kiddo, it takes a lot of guts to stand up to Nancy… If you’re a Monty Python fan, it’s a lot like the little white bunny in Holy Grail… She’s beautiful, classy and stylish, but cross her, and she’s flying through the air at you to rip out your throat with her quick witted banter.

    Speaking from experience, (Yes, probably like everyone else, I need to bestow upon you some wedding words of wisdom that will aide you on your way to becoming totally insane) you might want to institute the old tradition of the RPT. That’s the “Risk Plan Table”. This is a table for everyone you know who is not speaking to, or estranged from other members of the congregation. This table is usually positioned at the rear of the ballroom, as close to one of the enormous speakers that are available from both band and DJ alike. THIS is the table to avoid at all costs… No one will be talking to anyone. The faces on these people will be like looking into the face of death itself, however, everyone at the other tables will praise your good judgement for not putting any of these people at their table.

    Hope all is well,

    Jeff

  3. In honor of Opie and Anthony being back on the air (insert cheap plug for XM radio here), I’ll comment in the form of “What did we learn today?”

    1.) Even Nancy’s husband advises against pissing off Nancy.

    2.) Monty Python references = always funny.

    3.) I need my mom to put together a list of the unsocial members of the family to cram into the corner (that seems to be really sound advice, my thanks to Jeff).

    4.) I need to find a stuffed elephant with spots to put at the Table of Misfit Guests (much respect to anyone who can make that reference).

    5.) Nancy is one Alienware comment away from being exiled to the aforementioned table of misfit guests.

  4. what did i learn:
    – punching out early, always good.
    – golfers try to avoid real jobs..what? lol
    – jay is giving me an STD… but i think i can cure it w/tylenol.
    – having tags w/’hello my name is’ will open the door for identity theft. (i’ll have to bring pamphlets from work to give out w/the credit bureaus’ telephone.

    Nice.. more people contributing to the site.. great stuff. I still remember the awful pause on the phone was about to tell me all about the ‘tears of joy’ packets only to have me cut him off and tell him i knew what they were, and i’m one of those ‘unmarried men’… so gimme some credit.

    “Intrigued and throwing caution to the wind as far as my policy of avoiding theknot.com like a golfer from a real job, I decided to see just what could have been so important as to show me at work.” — golfer?? what ever do you mean jay?

    and nice plug for the guestbook.. be signing people!…hahah

  5. you seem to have a lot of comedians commenting on your monologues. I didn’t know my cousin Jeff was up to your speed of satire. Hi Jeff, is you end up reading this. I can’t imagine your discription of some of Nancy’s attributes, she is such a sweet lady.

    you probably won’t need nane tags, anyone who has brown hair and looks a little bit Italian is from
    my side of the family, and either a cousin or aunt and uncle. anyone who has lighter hair is from the Polish side, dad’s, and is also a cousin,
    aunt or uncle.

    Also, Adriane said she loved the STD’S, said they were very classy, but since I didn’t get one I can’t comment.

    Also, we don’t have any unsociable members of our families that we want to stick in a corner.

  6. Hi, Meg and Jay (And Jay’s mom)-

    Just a note to let you know that we received your STD yesterday. It’s pinned to our social bulletin board right next to the calendar, so that the day won’t interfere with any of our other numerous engagements… Oh, who am I kidding… We never do ANYTHING. We’d be free if you were getting married on the Fourth of July, or St. Blazes Day. We actually look forward to weddings… We don’t have to plan them, we just have to show up, congratulate you, and have a good time. (Don’t worry, I’ll have Nancy’s purse checked for magnets before we leave.) You know, Jay, your mom’s right. our family is pretty good… No need for a RPT or misfit table here… As far as the dark haired Italian looking people, that’s true also. Nancy, however should blend in very well with the Polish side of your family.

    As far as Nancy being sweet,… that’s an adjective that doesn’t come to mind when I think of my beautiful bride… She only puts on that act in front of special relatives, and because she’s watching me type this, I must also add that I probably have some kind of rare brain condition and I should probably be in an institution. (We’ll have to talk more offline…)

    Until next post…

  7. well… I got jay’s STD yesterday after speaking on the phone to him… it was cool… i’ll be sure to pass it on to michelle this wknd when i see her.. although she got her own STD from you as well…

    wait? we’re still talking about your wedding….right?

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