On Envelopes…

Realizing no one is going to be happy with a simple, quick update on where I’ve been for the past month (I posted earlier tonight), there are a few things that I feel warrant some comment. For instance, the table in our dining room has been a particularly disturbing sight as of late…

About three weeks ago, I got ambushed trying to make my way from the third floor of our house to the first–

Before I get into that, let me explain what I mean by ambushed and the layout of our house. We have a three floor townhouse. The majority of my computer stuff is in the den (i.e. third bedroom and most definitely NOT the baby’s room, as some of my more obnoxious readers like to refer to it) on the third floor. Anything video game or home theater related (read: geek) is in the family room on the first floor. No surprise, if I’m awake, I’m very likely on one of these two floors.

The second floor houses the kitchen, and anyone who knows me well realizes I’m in and out of there constantly. In addition to the kitchen, the second floor is also home to the living room or, as I like to refer to it, Bridezilla’s Lair. Wedding propaganda adorns every last corner of the Lair as a warning to those brave souls who venture too close. In the center sits the Throne of Bridezilla (or as Meg likes to call it, the “couch”). Amidst a sea of wedding magazines, envelopes, spreadsheets (remember she’s an accountant and that one will make more sense), and various other wedding related plunder, one can actually spot Bridezilla grazing on her laptop in the blighted fields of theknot.com.

In order to pass from one floor to the next, one has to navigate the treacherous reaches of Bridezilla’s Lair. It’s easy to get fooled into the common misconception that she is unaware of your presence. The Schroeder-esque (bonus points for getting the reference) appearance of Bridezilla as she feverishly pecks away at theknot.com would lull anyone into a false sense of hope in passing unabated. However, with an alarming consistency, Bridezilla springs to life as I approach, ambushing me with a flurry of papers, pictures, and magazine ads that require my immediate and focused attention.

–Where was I? Oh ya, so a few weeks ago, I was ambushed on my way to the family room…

“Come look at these.”
[Bridezilla moves to strike]
“What are they?”
“Calligraphy samples.”
[Bridezilla has positioned herself precisely between myself and the stairs in a move that would make jiu-jitsu black belts envious]

I’ve learned by now to just suck it up and see what she has to show me. And in case the male readers were wondering, the answer…

“But I was going to go play a game.”

… is never correct. Ever. Heed my warning.

In a former life, I really enjoyed (and still do, on occasion) working with computer graphics, so the prospect of different fonts isn’t entirely foreign to me. What I was greeted with, however, was a series of envelopes with random names, each addressed in an allegedly different form of calligraphy. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a microscope powerful enough to better distinguish the subtle variations between styles.

“What are they for?”

Wrong question. In hindsight, I should have simply picked the one I thought Meg liked best. Stubbornly, I decided to try to find out why I was now firmly in the claws of Bridezilla.

“We are getting the envelopes for the invitations done in calligraphy.”

I stood there, staring blankly into space, waiting for the punchline.

It never came.

“Do you mean to tell me that we are going to pay to have the envelopes for our invitations done in calligraphy?”
“Yes.”

Part of me had actually hoped to see a glimmer of a smile in Meg’s face to indicate this was a sick joke.

It never came.

Foolishly, I pursued…

“The envelopes that people will inevitably throw out once they receive said invitation? The ones that are going to have an ugly ass stamp, postage markings, and whatever other crap it may accumulate during its transit?” Better judgment kept me from debating the futility of an overly elaborate invitation in the first place.

“Yes.”

Bridezilla’s spell had taken effect. I was left completely dumbfounded at this idea. However, I managed to muster the faintest strength to point to one of the envelopes before slipping away.

Some readers may be proud of me that I’m learning to shut up and accept my fate. Unfortunately, don’t believe for a second that I’ve learned my lesson. On my way downstairs, completely free and on my way to the rest of my night, I let slip one last comment in an attempt at rational thought.

“All this work, and we’re not even going to see it.”
“Yes we are, I’m sending us an invitation.”

I’d have a joke about that, but I’m still too stunned to even try to think of one.

6 comments

  1. (gong)…. nice knowing you jay…. need a shovel to get you out of the S you buried yourself in.

    Bridezilla’s Lair… I kept picturing the dungeons in Zelda… at the bottom of the steps just go left, down, left, up and you’ll bypass the living room and go right to the cemetary.. no? nothing?

    While it’s nice to finally see that you’ve decided to fill the world in on where you been the last month, nice to see that NOTHING has changed… still sticking your foot in your mouth.. well done.

    “[Bridezilla has positioned herself precisely between myself and the stairs in a move that would make jiu-jitsu black belts envious]” .. cheap plug for yourself… so all that training for nothing huh? ahahah.

    if i can be serious for a moment, 5 months… WOW! I’m looking fwd to this wedding more so than any other friends’ who i’ve attended or known of… so it says something about you guys. You guys are the best. Hope you had a wonderful xmas and see you soon :)

    **ps…. start name-dropping jay… I know i contribute/comment as much as i can to this site… who’s lurking? ahahah… watch them scurry like roaches to type ANYTHING now..

  2. Gilgamesh anyone?

    While Jon was reading this – he pointed out Bridezilla several times. (I gave him the “evil eye” for you Meg!)

    In our apt, the “Throne of Bridezilla” is right next to the “Throne of the Geek”… Jon says “Stop your bitchin. At least your not constantly interrupted.”

  3. “In our apt, the “Throne of Bridezilla” is right next to the “Throne of the Geek”… Jon says “Stop your bitchin. At least your not constantly interrupted.””

    HAHAHA… Meg and I read that together and literally laughed out loud. But point taken, we’ll say my grass is greener in this case.

  4. As is my grass! As if wedding planning isn’t stressful enough – I couldn’t imagine having to plan a wedding with the constant sounds of gun shots as he who sits in the “Throne of the Geek” plays the latest video game.

  5. “I couldn’t imagine having to plan a wedding with the constant sounds of gun shots as he who sits in the “Throne of the Geek” plays the latest video game.”

    Read: I need bigger speakers.

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