Wedding Cheatsheet

I’m amazed at the outcry over the idea that my wedding bashing days may be over. I wanted to make sure I got the thank you out of the way in enough time for people to see it. That having been said, I’m the best man in Squeak’s wedding in November and in Lucas’ wedding sometime in the year 2007, so I’m far from being free from the overdone world of weddings.

Last week, my uncle threw a birthday part for my aunt. It wasn’t too big, but it did involve a number of cousins and aunt/uncles on my dad’s side. Of the two sides of my family, this is the side we end up seeing most. This was evident in the fact that I could actually name the better portion of them, and in some cases, even describe their relationship to me with reasonable accuracy. The irony of this is that many of them took the liberty of introducing themselves to both myself as well as Meg.

Let me just say, this is a good strategy. If you people think I’m joking about not remembering most of you, I’m not. Much appreciation to those who remove the awkwardness of me trying to introduce my new wife to people I don’t know with this go-getter attitude.

I came to another realization during the course of the party. A good percentage of the conversations I am going to have at the wedding will be carbon copies of each other. Nearly everyone had the same set of questions that smacked of “Well, I don’t actually know anything about you, so let me just ask the standard wedding related questions.” In an attempt to get through these questions as quickly as possible, I entertained the idea of printing up a FAQ for our wedding/relationship/future. While I’m sure Meg won’t let me do this, I can still get away with this on the web site. So, below is your wedding cheatsheet in an attempt to reduce, however minimally, the number of times we have to repeat ourselves (credit goes to Meg’s coworker Lisa for warning us ahead of time of this phenomenon).

First, I’ll lead in with the cliche, friendly, ass kissing line I’m going to say to everyone.

“Thank you so much for coming. It’s so good to see you again.”

If I say that to you, realize I’m just trying to blow you off so I can get another drink. If you dare follow that up by telling me you haven’t seen me since I was “this big”, realize Lucas is wearing a shirt under his tuxedo that says “STAFF” and he will be functioning as a bouncer in addition to his best man duties. In fact, I’m contemplating making him mention that during his speech.

I then anticipate the conversation going something like the following.

“Where did you two meet?”
“Villanova. Meg got me drunk on rum and coke and took the liberty of putting her name, phone number, and AOL IM name all over my apartment.”

“How long have you been dating?”
“5 1/2 long ass years. It’s officially the longest hangover the world has ever known.”

“Where are you going on your honeymoon?
“St. Maarten. Yes, it should be beautiful. I’m planning on consuming my weight in margaritas.”

“Where are you two going to live?”
“We have lived together for 2 1/2 years in a townhouse in Marlton, NJ. Meg is a bit of an airhead and dances around the house, while I can’t maintain the house for shit and small, flying mammals have the ability to incapacitate me. Oh ya, and if there is a fire across the street, there is a strong possibility that we will sleep through the whole thing.”

“When are you having kids (insert goofy, bashful laugh here)?”
“Not too far away. Maybe even as early as within the next two years. Earlier if Rob and Becca’s next kid comes out even remotely as cute as Kaleigh.”

“Now that it’s all over, was the wedding planning really as bad as you made it out to be?”
“You bet your ass it was.”

For those of you who can’t attend, read that conversation while eating an overpriced chicken dinner and watered down alcohol and you’ll magically feel as if you were there.

So now that that is out of the way, I expect to hear some more interesting questions asked to Meg and myself at the reception. I may even bring a few copies of this blog to the wedding, just in case.


  1. Be a smart boy and make the rounds when the music is playing, most people won’t be able to hear what you’re saying anyway… Just be sure to only spend a few minutes at each table so you guys actually get to enjoy some of your own party, overpriced chicken and all 😉

  2. Re; Nancy’s comment.
    Do what I am going to do — grab a plate of snacks and a drink at the cocktail hour, mingle,
    mingle from group to group, commenting – thank you so much for coming, it’s great that you could make it to the wedding. and I hope you have a great time.

    This way I even hope to enjoy the wedding (previous wedding reception in our immediate family went right over my head).

    I even made my girlfriend Jo Lynn promise to not let me up from my chair unless I had to P…. or
    wanted to dance. Hopefully, this wish will come
    true and I can enjoy all the festivities of this wedding.

    MY ADVICE AS A MOM: Make sure you enjoy you own wedding…..

  3. LOL Linda, I’m sure there will be bi-hourly trips to the bathroom for sure, so let a bunch of us know when you’re going, and we’ll run interference for ya 😉

  4. Wait… wait… If I’m coming to PA (instead of the shore) for your wedding, on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend(the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend), the least you can do is make sure the bartender isn’t watering down my drinks. I’ve waited 15 long months for this open bar, and damned if I’m going to be drinking Captain, Coke and water!

  5. Ok, as for food, save yourself the money and don’t have plates for you to. It is a little known fact that when figuring out how much to bring for the staff, the caterer always subtracts two as someone ends up with the bride and groom’s food. Just don’t even bother.

    As for responses, if someone asks the “When are you having kids (insert goofy, bashful laugh here)?” question, have fun with it. Say “5 months. Was crazy getting this set up so quickly, but it turned out great, didn’t it?” Since this has been well known about for so long, that might be hard to pull off, but its amazing what you can get people to believe if you say it with a straight face.

    And Jay, I just wanted to say, its so great that you invited us. It’s going to be GREAT seeing you two again.

  6. i have my shirt ready to wear… and yeah.. i should include that somewhere in my speech during the reception.. 3 question minimum people.. and then move on.

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