Where to draw the line…

“Do you want the videographer to be there when you’re getting ready?”

Apparently, Meg has a certain voyeuristic approach to documenting the wedding process. Her current plans are to document the dressing process earlier that day. I’d have been more surprised at this had my sister not done something similar.

For some reason, Meg decided to extend this offer to my pre-wedding ritual as well. This offer comes despite the fact that JJ and I would have a damn field day with that camera that morning (for evidence, remember JJ’s photo shoot with the invitation). Suffice it to say, you won’t be seeing any documentation of my morning pre-Church.

It did get me thinking as to the differences in what Meg and I will be doing that morning. As best I can tell, here is a rough agenda for Meg’s morning:

5:00am: Bolt up in bed, eyes wide open, realizing the fact that the wedding is actually here.
5:01am: Cry.
5:15am: Shower.
6:30am: Finish showering.
6:31am: Cry.
6:45am: Start to get hair and makeup done by a team of specialists that would rival the preparation crew for a NASA shuttle launch.
8:00am: Pause hair and makeup to cry.
8:25am: Finished touching up makeup running from 8am crying.
9:30am: Finished with hair/makeup.
9:35am: Take dress out of protective shrink wrap that, should a nuclear explosion eliminate all life from the greater north east area, future civilizations would still be able to look at the preserved dress and realize our culture was grossly out of whack. Or, in the spirit of Star Wars, you can use the imagery of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.
9:47am: Still removing dress wrapping.
10:03am: Look at removed dress. Cry.
10:30am: Set up dress in applicator.
10:32am: Stand on bed, ready to jump feet first into dress.
10:37am: Fix hair from jumping too high and banging head on ceiling.
10:49am: Retry Leap of Fate into dress.
12:03pm: Finish locking dress into place.
12:05pm: Stare at reflection in mirror. Cry.
12:07pm: Bridesmaids cry.
12:13pm: Hairdresser and Makeup Lady cry.
12:18pm: Bring in random people from the hallway to cry.
12:58pm: Still crying.
1:03pm: Catch limo to Villanova.
1:12pm: Send out tactical SWAT team to ensure Jay cannot see Meg in her dress before the wedding starts.
1:20pm: Stand in sound proof room in the back of the church, waiting for the wedding to start.
1:21pm: Cry.
1:29pm: Finish crying.
1:30pm: Wedding starts.

For comparison, here is what I am anticipating from my morning:

9:00am: Wake up at JJ’s apartment.
9:03am: “Holy Shit, I’m geting married” shot of vodka.
9:05am: Playing World of Warcraft with JJ.
10:00am: Breakfast.
10:30am: Playing World of Warcraft with JJ.
10:47am: Fart. We both laugh.
10:52am: Still laughing.
12:00pm: “Jay, don’t you have something to do today?”
12:17pm: “Dude, that one still smells.” Laugh again.
12:30pm: “One more level and we’ll call it a day.”
1:00pm: “Shit, I need to shower.”
1:03pm: “Shit, I need to shave.”
1:08pm: Scratch ass. Smile for picture while doing so (if the photographer were to document this process).
1:10pm: Playing World of Warcraft with JJ.
1:15pm: Racing to Villanova Church with JJ and camera man in tow.
1:26pm: Running across Villanova parking lot at full speed. Camera man has fallen over twice.
1:28pm: Paper towel off sweat from cross campus sprint to make it on time.
1:28pm: Fart. All 6 groomsmen laugh.
1:30pm: Wedding starts.
1:37pm: Lucas leans over and reinforces the fact that he can’t believe I farted right before my wedding.
1:39pm: Dirty look from priest for still laughing.


  1. That’s where “drawing the line” comes up. I wanted to hit the gym too, but somebody went and scheduled the damn wedding at 1:30, so we have to cut off our morning schedule at some point.

  2. hell i don’t even play warcraft.. but i want in… esp if someone was there to document it all.

    you forgot that some of the sweat will be from the sparklers the groomsmen will have as you walk by us in goldberg-like fashion

  3. Jay’s ritual continued….

    1:40PM: Fart.
    1:40:30PM: Look accusingly at dad.
    1:41PM: Dirty look from priest.
    1:41:45PM: Ceremony interrupted by HazMat team.
    1:42PM: Jay says ‘I Do’.
    1:42:15PM: Meg says ‘Is this multiple choice?’.
    1:43PM: Dirty look from priest.
    1:44PM: Ritual continues.
    1:45PM: Dad & entire groomsmen troop fart.
    1:45:14PM: Priest gives up. Ends ceremony. Declares couple man & wife.
    1:46PM: Couple departs to live happily ever after.

  4. You forgot to include extra time with all the flatulence festivities for either an ambulance when somebody ruptures their lower intestines, or an emergency run to the tuxedo shop in case somebody gambles on a fart and loses :)

  5. “an emergency run to the tuxedo shop in case somebody gambles on a fart and loses”

    HAHAHAHAHA… i don’t know who nancy is, but she’s a genius.

    and squeak, what is this sign off:
    “-Squeak (Groomsman)”
    Is that your way of reminding jay that you’re supposed to get a present for being a groomsman? you shoulda just signed off:
    “-Squeak (don’t forget my present)”

    plus you’re one blog late.

  6. This brings a whole new meaning to the old saying “that should go over like a fart in church”

    But, I must add, if someone is able to fart–and precipitate a public health emergency in a space as big as the Villanova church, they should be congratulated.

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