Home Office Project Stat Sheet
|Number of spilled beers||1|
|Number of consumed beers||5|
|Number of dropped laptops||1|
|Number of times blood was shed||1|
|Number of expletives yelled||57|
|Number of L-brackets used||0|
|Number of holes put in the walls||4|
|Number of “extra” parts from the new desk||7|
As I mentioned previously, we decided to start a series of home projects now that we’re not moving. Unfortunately, the ideas for projects seem to be increasing at a much greater rate than we’re completing projects. Congratulations on buying a house Squeather, don’t expect to have free time any time soon.
The first two projects on the list are to create me a more formal, workable home office and to install pull down stairs to get into our attic. I finished my home office project, meanwhile Meg hasn’t even started hers. And people think I’m the lazy one.
Of course, even though it’s finished, it wasn’t necessarily the smoothest of operations. The first step was to get the bed out of the guest bedroom. For those of you who have not been to our house, there are two sets of stairs. At the top of each set is a 90 degree turn to enter the next room. Couple that with having to move a queen-sized box spring down both flights of stairs and you can imagine the trouble we had.
We were smart enough to remove all of the decorations hung on the staircase walls. Those included my Villanova diploma, my Villanova Blaise Pascal Medallion, and Meg’s preserved wedding bouquet. I didn’t bother to move Meg’s Villanova School of Business degree, since I never understood why we tacked a meaningless sheet of paper to the walls in the first place. What we didn’t take into account was the bookshelf full of Lladros that was located, in true Three Stooges fashion, convienently at the foot of the upper staircase. Thankfully nothing broke, but I can’t possibly begin to describe the scene of me chasing the rogue mattress as it slid down the stairs to certain doom. Just realize that a solid percentage of the above expletive count were shouted in the short chase sequence that ensued down the stairs.
There is no clean cut placement of blame for the mattress sleigh ride down the stairs. However, the spilled beer, dropped laptop, and blood shed were all 100% Meg’s fault. I wasn’t present when she decided my beer would make a nice moat at the entrance to the new office, however I can attest to the fact that it contributed to the expletive count. Actually, half the neighborhood can make that attestment. For anyone who was wondering, Guiness Extra Stout is a serious bitch to get out of a carpet.
That should just about sum up the laptop plummet. I was happily making progress on my new desk when I heard these two sounds, at just about equal volumes for that matter, come flying out of the old den. My initial concern was that Meg might have somehow injured herself in the process, so I quickly made for the door. In doing so, I stepped on the underside of my new desk top, which cast aside all concepts of Physics as we know them and is somehow a frictionless surface. That sent me into a cartoonish thrashing of arms and legs, with the palm of my left hand catching on the point of one of the new desk drawers, which was assembled and awaiting its new home. The chaos continued as the drawer then goes flying off of the dresser it was resting on, hitting more pieces of the desk and making even more noise. Increment that expletive counter by at least three here.
Luckily, Meg was unharmed. As was the laptop. I, on the other hand, was left with a nice gash taken out of the palm of my left hand. Do you have any clue how hard it is to grip anything when your palm burns from a nice open wound? To really paint a lovely image, we actually found a nice chunk of my skin on the corner of the desk drawer, which like most everything else in this debacle, was unharmed.
There are a few more small things to finish, such as getting a longer network cable so I can run it under the carpet instead of having it hang like a clothesline across the wall. But otherwise, I think I’m done with the office, I just need to actually get back in the state of New Jersey so I can actually use it. I guess I’ll have to, like, actually work now.