Squeamish

Top three least favorite medical related activities:

  1. Dentists
  2. Needles
  3. Eye Doctors

In the span of the last week, I had to deal with the latter two. Luckily, the moons have not aligned against me and thrown a dentist appointment in on top of all of this, because that’s a level of masochism I’m just not prepared to handle right now. I’m honestly surprised you don’t hear of more metal hook related deaths amongst the dentist population.

I did however have to endure an eye doctor appointment. Not just that, but I went in unprepared. I hadn’t mentally psyched myself up for it as much as I should have. Similarly, I usually have to enter a similar meditation state prior to giving blood to keep from freaking out. There are just some things that I really need to gear myself up for.

I don’t mind most of the eye doctor appointments. In fact, the little game of “can you read this line” is almost entertaining. He flips a few lenses and suddenly it looks like I’m underwater. A few more, and I can make out that the little blob on the wall either a B or a D. And so on.

“Ok, now let me just dialate your pupils and you’ll be on your way in 10 minutes.”
“Great, how do we do that?”
“Just two drops and I shine a blue light in your face.”

I never realized it, but I love my eyelids. They are a greatly underappreciated body part. Their sole purpose in life is to keep shit out of my eyes. I’ve never really been good and letting things past this barrier.

Most people probably don’t know this, but it didn’t take long into marriage for me to exercise the “in sickness” clause. We landed in St. Maarten after an uneventful flight, picked up our rental car from the nice gentleman with the pet goat, and found our way to the hotel. Somehow, during the drive something went wrong with my eye. I really don’t want to think about how unsanitary the car might have been, but for whatever reason my eye became red, puffy, itchy, and all those other things you hear of in eye drops commercials before the guy sprays the volleyball painted to resemble an eye and all is better. We got to the room and decided to try to use Meg’s eye drops to clean out my troubled eye.

I don’t do eye drops. I don’t even think I could bring myself to look upwards at the open end of an empty eye dropper. So I found myself with my head in Meg’s lap, kicking and thrashing about, as Meg tried to pry open my eye and administer the eye drops. I’m sure most people are picturing a mother trying to put eye drops in a small, stubborn child. You’d be right, except realize I out weigh Meg and am significantly stronger. Needless to say, it wasn’t my shining moment, but joke’s on her, we’re married now and she’s stuck with me.

Getting back to the eye doctor. He comes at me like the scene from the movie Psycho. Except instead of a foot long knife he had a bottle of eye drops. And instead of running he walked. And instead of screaming, he was talking quite calmly about how easy this will be. And he wasn’t dressed as a woman. But otherwise, a spitting image of the scene.

After a good deal of struggle and him muttering something about me being “one of those types”, I found myself with eye drops in my eyes. And on my face. And a bit on my shirt. The doctor is also somehow wearing some of the drops.

He then goes to “shine a blue light in my face”, which was such a bullshit way of saying what he was going to do. I have to lean forward and put my face into a contraption that looks like it’s straight out of the movie Saw. He wheels around what looks to be a railroad spike on the end of a mechanical arm. The spike has a blue glowing tip. He starts inching this spike closer and closer to my eye. It took him three tries, but he finally got the thing close enough to my eye without me calling him an asshole.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, he prescribed me eye drops to use when my eyes get dry from using the computer. He gave me two bottles. One is gone already. My shirt is soaked, and I think more of the drops trickled down the side of my face into my ear than made it into my eye. The saving grace is that, because of the issues with my eyes, I pretty much can’t get contacts. Not that I’d be able to actually wear them, but it’s good to know that I don’t even have the option.

Thankfully, the bloodwork went smoother. Perhaps it was because it was first thing in the morning (read: pre-coffee) and I didn’t really know what was going on. Though apparently I didn’t come off as strong, or at least as comatose, as I felt I did, because she still found the need to tell me I looked nervous. That takes balls for a person with a giant needle in their hand to comment on the guy sitting in the chair looking nervous.

While I won’t deny the fact that I’m a wus, I can handle most things. Blood itself doesn’t bother me, rather it’s the act of jamming a needle directly into a vein to suck it out that bothers me. If the preferred approach to bloodwork was to punch me in the face and take it from my nose, I’d be fine.

Even looking back at my surgery last year, the worst part was the damn IV, which in an awful turn of events was administered to my hand. I don’t do needles, but they are better in a meaty portion of my body, like a shoulder or my ass. After that, I could care less about being cut open for the surgery. I had no problems with plastic mesh tube that was installed into me to keep the muscle in place. The tube was inserted near the point where your leg bends into your hip, so that soon after the surgery when I sat up straight I could feel the tube jab into me as if I had a pencil in my pants pocket. That didn’t bother me either. But when it comes to needles and eye issues, I’m useless.

11 comments

  1. I’ve been going to the eye doctor for the past (let’s see now, carry the two…) 16 years. So, sorry to say, I’ve got little sympathy for you eye issues. That test is nothing. Ever have the glaucoma test where they give you numbing eye drops? Talk about a weird feeling.

    No, I’d have to say the Eye Doc is probably at the top of the people I like as far as the medical professions go. Quick, easy and painless. Well, for normal people…

  2. I’ll agree with you about the dentist, most certainly not my favorite place to be, as I sit in the chair while they do whatever it is they’re doing, I begin twisting the bottom of my shirt…by the time I leave, my shirt has turned into a giant raisin. But the eye doctor??? Drops???? I don’t care for having my eyes numbed or dialated. Although you shouldn’t lose hope, Michael never sat still for that stuff either, but since he wore glasses since he was 6, when he hit the teen years he just hadda have contacts. Mind you, it took him a good two weeks before he could bring himself to touch his eye, and so the eye doctor man-handled him like he was a 2 yr old little girl (even though Mike is about 6’2″) grabbed his head and shoved that contact right in his eye, arms and legs flailing all over the place. It was the MOST hysterical thing I have ever seen done to one of my children :) That said, after about two weeks of practice he’s a regular pro now. Oh yeah, its not the computer screen that’s drying your eyes out, its that you’re so engrossed in what you’re doing that you’re not BLINKING enough :)

  3. I can’t stand the puff of air test… same reason. My eyes are not meant to have air puffed into them just so that you can take some kind of measurements. Contacts… well… let’s just say that when I started wearing them, my eye dr had to turn out the lights because I couldn’t look into the lights and have her put the contacts in my eyes (they’re too light sensitive). The drops for contact wearers? I still have a problem with them though…

    If you start blinking more while you’re at the computer, your eyes shouldn’t get dry as much 😉

  4. Good, I’m not exactly alone here. That blue light thing drove me insane because I swear he was trying to touch my eye with it. I know you contact wearers do that all the time, but I just cannot handle it, even if he is a trained (I hope) doctor.

    I couldn’t find a way to tie in the :dizzy: smilie, but it seems appropriate here. So does ;( .

  5. I’m not a contact wearer, but I’ve never had issues with touching my eye or using drops…however, having been the victim of poking myself in the eye with a wooden dowel…(it was a bullseye by the way, exactly in the center) I can concede a slight fear, cause as soon as I did it, I slapped my hand over said eye and it took me a good five minutes to pry my own hand off to see what damage I had done, I just assumed my eye would run out of my head like a broken egg yolk. Much to my surprise, it didn’t … but it hurt like hell for about 3 days and there was no permanent damage. So be rest easy knowing that if a big ole stick can’t break your eye, some measley drops aren’t gonna hurt anything 😉

  6. I don’t remember the exact details, but our cat punched my mom in the eye one morning. Luckily, he was declawed, but the paw pad (I’m sure there is a technical term, but damned if I know) scratched her eye. So I’d like to point out two things:

    1.) Nancy has superhuman eyes.
    2.) This isn’t, in fact, Nancy commenting, since it’s been like 4 replies in a row without talking shit to me.

    As for your yolk reference, the only real thing I have to say is “Ugh.” As much as I liked Kill Bill, the final fight between Uma Thurman and Daryl Hannah, albiet bad ass, wigged me out. If you haven’t seen it, just take my word on it.

  7. Tis me :) I threw in some subtle sarcasm in the first reply–drops???? I have yet to see all of kill bill vol II but now it’s become a mission. The gorier, the better! I would imagine you haven’t seen Hellraiser :)

  8. Never saw Hellraiser, but now you have me curious.

    While we’re mentioning movies with awful eye ailments, the beginning of Saw II had a great one.

  9. If it’s eye ailments you’re specifically looking for, check out the season finale of House from last year, it’s a killer!

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