The Pregnasaur – Episode I

We’re sitting at dinner the other night when a thunderous fart rips through the quiet majesty of our kitchen.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m pregnant.”
“No you’re not Jay, I’m pregnant.”

It was worth a shot. Meg has become so masterful with that excuse that I wanted to see if had the same Holy Grail effect with me. For the record, it didn’t.

“Can you get me a glass of milk? I’d do it myself, but I’m pregnant.”
“I’m tired. Carry me to bed since I’m carrying your damn kid.”
“I think you should drive to your parents for Christmas because I’m pregnant.”

The driving thing in particular is a low blow. When having to drive somewhere, we typically fight over who has to drive. I used to be able to win at least part of the time. Not anymore, as she busts out the pregnant card and I end up having to drive to wherever it is we’re going. My only plausible strategy is to get really drunk at our destination, thus rendering me incapable of driving home.

“Am I gaining weight?”

Let me explain to people how evolution works*. Something happens that starts killing off a good percentage of the population of a species. Through evolution, the species starts to change their genes to adapt to whatever it is that is killing them off. Over the course of many years, the species then becomes capable of handling the bad situation and not dying as regularly.

This might be more clear with an example. Many, many years ago, a woman asked her husband if she looked fat. He replied with a factual answer. Historians differ in their interpretation of the events that followed, with some arguing he died from blunt force trauma to the head while others maintain that the woman actually reached into her husband and stole his soul.

Whatever the means, droves of husbands were wiped off the planet by the same force. However, men still get married, so scientists believe that through evolution, males developed a gene that would immediately and unequivocally reply with some variation of the word “no”. Not surprisingly, in the face of a Bridezilla, more extreme derivatives of no are used.

I, being a husband with no known genetic variations nor any memorable exposure to radiation, share that gene.

“Am I gaining weight?”
“No!” (our hero proudly exclaims)

Meg started crying.

I was not prepared for the fact that when a woman transitions into a Pregnasaur, the rules change. To my recently married male friends, pay careful attention to the next statement, as it will go against your very nature to which you have become accustomed.

Apparently, at 14 weeks pregnant, the Pregnasaur wishes to be gaining weight.

Please take a minute to let that soak in.

Meg has replaced “hello” and “goodbye” with “Does my belly look bigger?” and “I think I look more pregnant today.” I have to summon quite a bit of energy to overcome years of genetics and actually answer yes to those questions.

26 weeks left. Tick tock.

* I didn’t read a single line of actual scientific research before spouting off about evolution, so don’t hold me to any of this.

6 comments

  1. Jay is doing a pretty good job with this transition. When I make him look at my belly every night and evaluate whether or not it looks any larger then the day before I always leave feeling convinced.

    Now after the baby is born I’ll have to update on how the transition back to “of course you look like you are losing weight” is going…

  2. It’s so funny how you wait and wait to show enough so people know you’re pregnant when they look at you, it seems like nothing’s going on and then all of a sudden one day you look down and can’t see your feet anymore! Don’t even think about the weight gain down the line, when the baby’s finally here and sleeping through the night then you might want to start back to the gym, but there’s no schedule that says you have to be a certain weight by a certain time. Look at it this way, during delivery you will lose about 20lbs all in the matter of minutes! :)
    Wait till the kicking starts — it’s incredible!! When I carried my oldest, he’d start kicking around the same time every night, so we’d turn the tv off and watch my stomach like it was a fireworks show on the 4th of July!

  3. I can totally see how you would be eager for everyone to be able to tell you are pregnant. :) Pretty soon you will have strangers in the grocery checkout line asking you “when are you due?”. :)

  4. Are you guys going to start putting belly pictures into your gallery? I need to take notes and live vicariously through you for a while!

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