-Written during our vacation in the Dominican Republic–
Let me start off the story with the punchline. There are two men who work at this hotel right now who are laughing at the stupid American little bitch in room 1002.
Long time readers will recognize the title as an ode to The Man of the House, in which I exposed to the world my ineptitude in expunging a bat from the house.
There was a small lizard (like four inches at most) in our room about 30 minutes ago. I think it was a gecko, but I can’t be sure since it didn’t sophisticatedly sit up and try to sell me insurance. By the way, those commercials are complete bullshit.
Those little bitches are fast. As Meg bounced up and down on the bed, screeching endlessly in a stereotypical woman response, I unsuccessfully chased this thing up and down the length of our room in a stereotypical uncoordinated computer geek fashion. He finally settled under the center desk that holds our TV and fridge.
I begin to formulate my plan. I grab a flip flop in one hand and a ceramic mug in the other. I do some quick math and realize if I were to strike the lizard with the flip flop, we’d be left with lizard guts on the floor. I also realize that the speed at which I’d have to apply my complex mug trapping mechanism in order to catch the beast, I’d end up smashing the mug to bits on the tile floor. I come to realize that the outcome to any of my plans resulted in more work for the maid. I give a quick nod to Machiavelli and resume the hunt.
There were two things going on in my head. In all honesty, I wasn’t afraid or too creeped out by it. He was actually kinda cool looking, as much as I didn’t like the prospect of him rolling around in our clothes. The problem was, I was still jumpy. Any fast movement and I immediately jumped back. This threw the proverbial monkey wrench into my aforementioned plans of assault, which was why the beast was allowed to take me on Mr. Lizard’s Wild Ride. Let me also point out that, frustratingly, all of this accidental exercise has pretty much removed my buzz.
Eventually, he hops under the refrigerator. I get on my hands and knees and I can see his silhouette mocking me.
“Ok, I need you to help me.”
“No fucking way.”
And thus, my conundrum. I couldn’t very well move the fridge, lest he tear ass into another hiding spot. If Meg wasn’t going to catch him while I moved the fridge, I was going to need help.
“Hola, [random Spanish words]”
“DO… YOU… SPEAK… ENGLISH?”
Yes, I know loudly and slowly yelling words in English will not help someone who does not speak the language. Yes, I did it anyway. I’m not exactly enlightened.
“Yes. How can I help you?”
“Um… we have a lizard under our refrigerator and I need someone to come help me get it out.”
As the words seeped out of my mouth, I could feel my dignity drain from my body.
Ah shit. I don’t know Spanish for lizard.
“Um… lizard. Small animal. ANIMAL.”
“Ohh, lee-zurd. Ok, I will send someone over.”
She could have hung up the phone before she started laughing, but in all honesty, I wouldn’t have either.
Ten minutes later, two men arrive at the door with shit-eating grins on their faces. I thought about throwing on one of my Philly Mixed Martial Arts shirts on to look like more of a man, but at that point the only thing that could have saved me would be to open the door and raise the severed head of a bear that I killed with my bare hands.
One man has a broom and a pooper scooper. I try to feel better thinking I couldn’t get this done because I didn’t have the proper tools. Did you know your own head can call bullshit on itself?
They barely spoke English, so I explain through spastic gestures where the lee-zurd is. It was probably a good thing they didn’t speak English as it would be hard to verbally demean me further without speaking in a language I understand. Then again, now I look like an insane American wus as I point and grunt in the general direction of the fridge.
He does exactly what I wanted to do, except he has the benefit of a wingman. He pulls the fridge forward. In all honesty, I could and would have done that, if Meg was cooperating instead of giving our baby its first concussion. I think about explaining that she’s pregnant and that’s why she couldn’t help, but I realize that even if they could understand me, they probably already thought I lacked the necessary male genetalia to have caused the pregnancy in the first place.
The lizard takes off running. They push aside the curtains it hid under. Boom, he’s off to the races again, this time hiding under the other curtains. I reiterate, those friggin things are fast. At this point, I also wouldn’t have been surprised if the lizard looked up at me and said “Evermore”.
They finally see him in the track for our sliding glass doors. The man with the pooper scooper advances. I await his masterful use of the device in expunging the beast. Instead, he simply bends over and picks up the lizard with his hand.
I was wrong. They didn’t need to speak English to make me feel like more of a douche bag.
We thanked them as I sheepishly closed the door behind them. I make a mental note that when I get home, I’m taking another vacation to the woods to find a bear.