I have a confession. Before Kaleigh (our flower girl and the first baby I’ve really hung out with) was born, I didn’t think people breastfed anymore. I figured by now, science had come up with some form of uber-milk made out of soy and about a dozen engineered materials that would have dwarfed any beneficial effects breast milk would have. I also figured that humans kept producing milk for legacy purposes, just so nature can continue to qualify us as mammals.

Apparently, I was wrong. There are a ton of beneficial effects to breast feeding, both for baby and mom. A bunch of them are health related and stuff, but you’re not here to read about the scientific benefits of breastfeeding. You’re here to read about the horror it elicits in me. And since I had the unfortunate displeasure of having to see her reading material on the kitchen table during breakfast, you all now get the joys of reading about it here.

Oh, and any women reading this who are not necessarily looking forward to the prospect of being pregnant, you probably will want to punch out now.

Let’s start with some terminology:

  • Plugged Duct
  • Engorgement
  • Breast Pump
  • Nipple Soreness
  • Inverted Nipple
  • Nipple Confusion

The better portion of those terms sound like devices and techniques from the Spanish Inquisition. Except for “Inverted Nipple”. That sounds like a shot you take at a frat party.

Let me deviate for a minute. My brother-in-law is a farmer. I don’t know shit about farming, so I’m always interested (in the way a little kid is interested at career day at school) in asking Eric questions. Apparently, the urban legend that a cow’s utters will explode if you don’t milk them is bullshit. I also realized that 5 minutes worth of googling can save you a few awkward looks from in-laws.

That being said, keep in mind that engorgement is the swelling of breasts due to “overfullness”. Coming from a guy who can largely summarize his world views by “Bigger breasts are better”, it was initially hard for me to find the problem in this. Yet Meg’s breastfeeding class (more on that later) outlined a way in which one can dunk her breasts into hot water in order to, er, drain them to alleviate this issue. Naturally, they supplied an instructional picture of the technique, which I can honestly say will cause this baby to be an only child if I ever have to witness this act in real life.

“If you leak, try to look on it as a minor annoyance.” Yes, that’s an actual quote. I’d write a punchline to that, but nothing I can come up with is funnier than the phrase itself.

As I mentioned, Meg went to class for this, since apparently women don’t innately know how to use them to this end (to the end of getting a bartender’s attention, however, seems to be genetically coded in their genes). There are different ways to hold the baby such as the cradle or side lying. There is also one called the football hold, which always makes me think of the Heisman Trophy. In addition to all that, there are techniques and guidelines towards aiming the nipple as you attempt to dock it with the baby. Ever see in a movie where a plane refuels another in mid-air? Ya, that’s less complicated than these instructions.

So while Meg gets to deal with all this, I get stuck with the crap jobs like burping and diapers. She gets to feed the baby, and I get to deal with it when it comes back out. (6)

“How was work today.”
“Pretty good.”
“How was class?”
“Kinda boring.”
“When’s my shower?”

This was my routine for the past two months now. This also came from the same person who said she “didn’t have to be surprised” for her shower.

As the weeks progressed, she realized I wasn’t going to be fooled by the patented Bug Bunny “Duck Season” Switcharoo technique. In its place came an incessant barrage of inquiries designed to test the integrity of my lies.

This barrage culminated last Friday night. Saturday, her and Jenn had plans to go to lunch. These were far from extraordinary plans; they’ve done this many times before. But with 7 weeks left until the baby, and quite a few of them already booked with other events, Meg was getting suspicious.

And so, for close to an hour on Friday night, I crafted a story as I lied my way through each question. My life was made a bit easier by the fact that her aunt is throwing her another shower in June. She had just gotten the invitation to that shower, so I quickly decided to spin my story to make it sound like that’s her only shower.

The reason for the second shower, to my knowledge, is that some of her family couldn’t make this first shower, so Aunt Pat decided to throw another small family specific shower. I obviously couldn’t tell Meg that explanation. Things became more difficult when you take into account Aunt Pat has three daughters; this is far from the only baby shower she’d have the ability to help plan.

I stumbled through that line of questioning. By the end, I had Meg convinced that she’s not special enough for two showers. Hell, I had almost convinced myself of that very fact, fully knowing she will have the second one. Not to be outdone, Meg changed her approach.

A few months ago, Jenn and Tony were planning on moving to Florida. Jenn was one of the people helping to plan the shower. They have since changed their plans, but for a while things were pretty set. Meg did some math and realized that June 2 would have been after Jenn would have moved, so why would they schedule it when Jenn couldn’t attend?

This one stumped me, so I pulled out the trump card: I acted pissed off. I knew I could really only afford to do this once, but I turned it around to make Meg look like a dork for thinking through things so thoroughly. This maneuver thankfully got Meg off of this line of questions. In fact, it got her off of questions entirely.

Even after the shower, Meg admitted that I had her convinced it wasn’t the next day. Thankfully, she was impressed at my ability to lie directly to her face rather than being concerned I possessed this talent.

I showed up for the last hour or so of the shower. They did a really good job of planning it, and thanks to Jenn, Tara, Melissa, and my mom (and whomever else may have had a hand in this) for putting it all together.

That said, it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t find a reason to bitch. Not too long ago, I alluded to the fact that the baby’s bedding had a frog theme. That wasn’t entirely accurate as it also has bees, dragonflies, and turtles. In fact, as we were putting the crib together JJ and I both agreed the frogs are a little creepy and the turtles were much cooler.

Unfortunately, whoever did the invitations ran with the frog theme (or so I’m told, I haven’t actually seen one). The result? Well, let’s just say that this kid is going to develop a phobia for frogs very quickly. Frog clothes, frog blankets, frog bibs, frog bath toys — well, you get the picture. To everyone who thought “Oh, it’s a frog theme, I’ll buy something frog related”, let me say there will always be a place for you in our home. And in many cases, that place is the attic.

Ok, I’m kidding about the attic, but that line was too good to pass up.

Some other quick news, the rest of the baby furniture is in, just not completely picked up yet. Once we get it all in and figure out how the hell we’re gonna cram it into the small baby’s room, we’ll get some pictures up. We also still have pictures from Michelle and Lucas’ wedding and from the shower, but Meg’s been taking her sweet ass time actually uploading them. Also, Baby Basics class this Saturday, which I’m hoping will make for some fun blog material.