On Call

Sometime in the dead of night on Friday, I was awoken from a surprisingly deep sleep because of a rustling on Meg’s side of the bed. I intentionally didn’t say “Meg’s half” of the bed, since her, her stomach, and her entourage of pillows now occupy closer to roughly 93% of the total surface area of our once comfortable bed.

By now, I’ve grown accustomed to the body-sized Boppy pillow that extends from between Meg’s knees, around the belly, and up close to her head. It’s actually a funny sight to watch her roll over with that thing in toe, since the combination of 9 month pregnant belly + pillow makes it look like a damn lunar eclipse is rolling in as she swings the entire production over her body to the other side.

The Boppy isn’t the only extra pillow gracing our bed these days. She’s collected every spare pillow in the house and moved them to the bedroom. Every time she lays down, she takes a solid few minutes of adjusting. She’ll cram a few pillows under her stomach, which actually makes sense; if she lies on her side, her stomach is left dangling a few inches above the bed and it just looks painful. Another few pillows go between her ankles and knees. She then grabs mine and uses that to help prop her head up.

Not that it does any good. Apparently, one of the side effects (that’s not the right word, but come with me on this one) of being pregnant is… well, she snores like a freaking beast. It seems pretty common, since most fathers that I’ve talked to give me the same form of condolences for being in the situation. I’m told it disappears pretty quickly after birth, which by my calculations is right in time for the baby to wake us up every 2 hours anyway.

Oh, and the biggest bitch of the entire pillow stuffing ritual is that she only makes it about an hour before having to get up and piss anyway, after which she has to repeat the entire process.

In light of all of this, it’s a surprise I was in bed in the first place to be woken up. I’ve spent the better portion of the last month sleeping on the couch, balling up my shirt to use as a pillow. Anyone feel bad for me yet? Didn’t think so, I’ll just move on.

I was woken up by the sounds of Meg in pain and deep breathing. Despite it being the middle of the night, it only took me about half a second to process the situation.


I leaped out of bed and made for the light switch. Actually, it was more of a fall out of bed and a bear crawl over to the wall. As I turned back to Meg, my mind was racing.

I’ve often wondered how I’d handle myself in an emergency situation. Would I lose my mind, would I be calm and collected and get things done, or would I just pass out under the weight of it all? I’m not sure I fully have my answer, but I was a bit surprised to realize my very first thought was that if her water broke while she was in the bed, I could never sleep there again. Ever. Ew.

My fears were quickly put to ease. She wasn’t in labor. She had a leg cramp. Who the hell gets a leg cramp while laying completely still in bed? I chalk it up to a pregnancy thing and go back to bed.

Needless to say, I’m a little jumpy these days. Every time the phone rings — especially my cell phone if I’m out — I race to answer it. Technically speaking, as of this weekend the baby is at full term, so realistically any call could be Meg telling me to take her to the hospital. To a certain extent, it’s not warranted. After she has her first contraction, it’s like 8 hours before we even bother going to the hospital. Regardless, it’s going to be an interesting few weeks of overreacting for me.


  1. ha ha jj. When i read ” she was in labor ” oh wow !!
    as for the snorning issue Lucas sounds like a truck driver. One morning he woke up to see me on the couch so I feel your pain.

  2. My sympathies on the snoring, your cousin has quite the talent for it. If it were an olympic sport, he’s surely win the gold medal :) I’m sure Meg could give him a good run for his money, although I’m almost positive one of these nights he’ll inhale so deeply he’ll actually pull the curtains right off the windows. The pillow thing is inevitable (sp?) it’s got something to do with ligaments stretching out and hips being out of alignment. (think transformers!) Basically, once the baby comes everyone will be much more comfortable sleeping, whatever sleep there is to be had afterward that is… The cramps thing is horrible, one minute you’re asleep the next thing you know you’re barely awake and something hurts terribly, only you can’t get out of bed fast enough to walk it off. I did and sometimes still do get them in my feet. Imagine having both feet cramp up at the same time, rolling out of bed trying to be able to stand up on what surely must be hideously deformed feet ( I don’t know, I could never bring myself to look) and get all your weight on them to straighten ’em out while hanging onto an armoire by your fingernails, still being half asleep and thinking about a cheese sandwich! Get the whole freakin’ out thing out of the way now, cause if you pull that crap when it really is time and you’re within arms’ reach of her, she’s gonna slap you around like a little girl 😉

  3. Meg–I TOTALLY get the whole pillow issue and will back you up 100%. Especially this far along in the baby making process. You’re huge now, your belly is stretched to the max, the baby no longer has the room inside to do his or her flips and has resorted to kicks, punches and monster-sized stretches where toes can actually go UP and OVER your rib cage (yah fun fun!!) and peeing now becomes an every 30 minute event in your life. Betcha Meg can tell you where every bathroom is in a 5 mile radius from whereever she is at the time. With my kids, I too had pillow issues, and yes, got teased about it too. I still sleep with the long body pillow, on my right side. Most doctors will tell you to try to sleep on your left side to help promote better digestion when you sleep, but I was horribly uncomfortable in this position, and quickly found that with my stack of pillows all perfectly arranged I could get into a very comfy position and fall asleep fairly fast to get in about 1.5 hours of sleep before it was time to get up to pee. Dave constantly gives me a hard time about my pillows to this day because I still use them and they still have to be arranged just so along with the blankets. No, I cannot just get into bed and lay down to sleep. It’s gotta be just right.

    As far as the “we’ll have 8 hours before we even need to go to the hospital” from my very first contraction to when John (my first) popped out was 8 hours. With every baby I’ve had, they only come faster. With all of them, the longest was 2 hours after my water was broken by the doctor to when the baby was born. Fastest was with Matt–a mere 5 minutes. Yes, 5 minutes. The doctor was busy running back and forth between another Mom-to-be and my room. He broke her water, came to do mine and was going to head back to the other Mom. I told him don’t leave, the baby is coming now. He told me, no, it just feels that way, and was heading out the door. I told him NO! it’s coming now, get back here, and told Dave to move in to catch as the doctor was still across the room. Blew the doctor’s mind away. 😆

  4. “from my very first contraction to when John (my first) popped out was 8 hours”

    Heather, that may be the single most motivational statement I’ve heard about labor. I’m mentally preparing myself for a marathon 15 hour event and packing myself enough food to last a solid three days. Hearing 8 hours gives me hope. 😆

  5. Jay … if this baby is anything like you he/she might want out quicker than 8 hours. Although you were a 2nd child, from the moment I got my first labor pain to the extact time of your birth, it was only 2 hours and 7 mins.
    the pains started at every 5 mins.. remember to time the contractions…..
    GOOD LUCK…. you will do fine…….!!!

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