Two Month Doctor Appointment

Oh man, Leanne is so freaking pissed off right now.

Today was her two month doctor appointment. She was just at the doctor last week for her belly, but this is the formal two month visit. And that largely equates to one thing: shots.

I don’t understand how, but the doctor office smells exactly like my pediatrician’s did. Whenever we walk in, I get these really eerie, vivid flashbacks to my pediatrician. I can still picture the stairs to get to his office, the Highlights magazines I would read, and the scary as all hell clown pictures hanging on the walls. It’s bad enough whenever I was there I was sick or getting a shot, but to have to endure the armies of clowns that “decorated” (and I use that term very loosely in this case) the place is borderline psychotic.

We figured it was a good opportunity to ask a bunch of questions we’ve been accumulating over the past few weeks.

“She has cradle cap, is there anything we should do?”
“Does it bother her?”

If you don’t know, cradle cap is dry skin on a baby’s scalp. I really didn’t know how to answer that one; it’s not like she’s looking at herself in the mirror and complaining about a bad hair day.

“I don’t think so.”
“Is it bothering you guys?”
“Other than a mouthful of baby dandruff when I kiss her? No.”
“Don’t worry about it then.”

That became the standard issue answer for most of our questions. We got through a few more on our list and ended up at the “Bath” bullet point.

“She uh… when we…” Meg stammered as she looked over at me for help. I’m not sure why she suddenly choked up at the topic. But I am willing to bet that she immediately regretted that I, with my complete lack of a filter whatsoever, was the only help on this issue.

“We can’t give her a bath in the tub because she shits in it every time.”

Again, not a problem, we can stick with sponge baths for a while, since there’s really not all that much she does to get dirty. Scrub her little butt, pull aside and clean all seven neck fat rolls, and we’re good to go.

They also took some measurements. I wasn’t surprised they weighed her and measured her “length” (I assume it’s not called “height” until you can actually stand on your own). I was a bit taken aback when they measured the circumference of her head. And while the nurse didn’t think anything of it, I was surprised at her report.

“Leanne’s head is in the 90th percentile.”

She kept writing things down, but I was still trying to digest that.

“Um… does that mean her head is bigger than 90% of other babies her age?”
“Yes, but her weight is in the 90th percentile too, so it’s not a big deal.”

Great, I have the fat baby with the huge head. At least it explains that my troubles with getting her into a onesie aren’t due to my poor skills as a father so much as my baby’s bulbous head.

“And her height is in the 50th percentile.”

Ya, well, no surprise there. And no help from mommy’s and daddy’s genes either. Sorry Leanne, but at least you’re gonna kick some fierce ass in math class (assuming you got my genes… if you got mom’s, well, sorry, but you’re pretty much screwed there too).

The physical ranged from the expected to the downright horrifying. He checked her eyes and ears and listened to her chest, just like in any adult physical. He grabbed her head and squeezed as if he was trying to figure out if a grapefruit was ripe or not. He didn’t have anything bad to say, so I’m guessing that means Leanne is ripe. That was followed by squeezing and tapping on her stomach. That was rough to watch, since I think the goal of the test was to see if he could grab her spine while reaching through her stomach.

He opened her diaper to check things out down there and was greeted by a nice mess. I was actually embarrassed at that point and felt the need to tell him we changed her right before we left. You’d think I shit my own pants at the rate at which I stumbled through the explanation.

The last part of the physical is to check her hip joints. As with her first physical, that pissed her off. I spent the next 10 minutes trying to relax her. I finally got her quiet right in time for the nurse to walk in with the battery of shots Leanne was going to receive.

I’m not going to get into it again, but I hate shots. I know most people don’t like shots, but I realized today that I’m especially weak; I even got woozy seeing the shortened shots that were for Leanne.

“Just remember that mommy and daddy love you, and that it’s the evil nurse giving you the shots, not us.” I forgot my own light-headed-ness for a second as I wiped the baby dandruff from my lips.

The nurse was very fast about administering all of the shots in rapid succession. The first shot goes in, and my previously curious and kicking baby immediately stiffens up. She looked like she was straight out of a cartoon, as I could see the redness start at her neck and quickly rise to fill her entire head. I half expected steam to pour out of her ears. Her mouth opened wide and had a little twitch to it. For a second, she didn’t make a sound. It was the proverbial calm before the storm.

I have to admit, I got a little teary-eyed as she started to lose her mind. I know the shots are to make her healthy, but I felt really bad in the pit of my stomach that she was in so much pain. One of the shots drew blood; it was the first time I saw Leanne bleed. That sucked even worse. She was screaming so bad she had actual tears rolling down her face.

Thankfully, she exhausted herself with all the screaming and fell asleep pretty quickly once we got her settled into her car seat. Hopefully, she won’t have any reactions to the shots, since as it is already, I badly need a drink tonight.


  1. LOL one of the many pluses about being the parent is that you’re not the one getting the shots! :) She’ll be fine, we’ve all had our turns and seem to have come out the other side intact. She won’t remember it, almost in the same way you can play “got yer nose!” a million times and it’ll be a brand new trick everytime she sees it. Now on to the REALLY interesting part….cradle cap!!!!!!! I have to say this is one of the most fascinating and one of my all time favorite chores with babies. If it’s really bothering you guys, go buy a big ole jar of vaseline, slather her little head with it and let it sit there for 15-20 minutes. Now for the fun part! Get the finest tooth baby comb you can get your hands on(not the baby brush, it’s not firm enough), and gently run it through her hair and it will lift off all that nasty dried up skin sitting atop your pretty little daughters head! Jeff once remarked that I resembled a monkey in the forest picking fleas off her young…he only made that mistake once :) But it does work, once you’ve picked her clean, shampoo (I’m gonna say at least twice, it is vaseline ya know!) and towel dry. Not only does it soften the dead skin so you can pick it off with the comb, but serves as a moisturizer even though you’ve shampooed it out. There’s a little bit of residue, but it will keep her scalp from developing quite so much next time you do it. Now don’t go crazy and do it everyday, just when there’s enough to be noticeable and it’ll be gone before ya know it. Keep in mind this isn’t something I dreamed up, but was told by Mike’s pediatrician and it worked like a charm for both boys. Doesn’t matter how much or little hair they have, Mike’s hair was similar to Leanne’s and Andrew had a ton, it looked like a bad toupee sitting right on top of his head. You don’t have to do it, but if you enjoy picking at stuff this is the job for you 😉 Just a thought about the bath thing….What if you gave her a decoy bath before the actual one? Suppose you get one of those dishpan tubs fill it with warm water, dunk her in that for a few minutes to make her go and then plop her in the baby tub. There will still be shit, but she won’t be bathing in it :)

  2. Leanne, just think of all the school you could’ve missed if only your parents hadn’t subjected you to this torture! You could’ve been confined to your bed for weeks! 😉

  3. “Decoy Bath” – I love it.

    Make sure you tell Jeff that I’ve made the same monkey picking fleas comment to Meg :)

    “… if you enjoy picking at stuff.” This may be a whole other blog, but we both do. Meg goes on a hunt if we can see snot in Leanne’s nose and doesn’t rest until she’s gotten it out (which is trickier than it sounds, since the snot sucker doesn’t fit in Leanne’s nose yet). After playing on a blanket, Leanne ends up with a lot of fuzz between her toes; that one is my pet peeve. And we both get a certain satisfaction about successfully trimming her finger nails.

  4. OH, I remember those “checking the hip joints” motions the doctor would do, the baby would scream bloody murder while thoughts of “You’re going to break his/her legs off if you push and turn them any further!!” were racing through my mind.

    Shots are the pits, but definately a must. All my kids would turn that lovely fire engine red in the face and scream up a storm for about 5 minutes after given the shots. Worse than watching the doctor poke a needle into your child however is having to watch them put stitches into them. When John was 2, he fell in the babysitters driveway and got a rock stuck into his head. Blood, I can deal with no problem. But attempting to keep him calm while the doctor was going to stitch him up I lost it. The room went fuzzy and dark and was spinning out of control. I was kindly escorted to the chair in the outer room by a nurse until I could regain clarity.

  5. Just a few thoughts here randomly collected throughout the day… Leanne has issues with the bath, cause it literally scares the shit out of her 😉 You and Meg like boogie mining, while I’d much rather go after the eye snots. As a child, I was never afraid of clowns, I just thought they were ugly! What is it about clowns that’s supposed to make them so endearing to a child?? The bright red lipstick around their mouth? Hell, I have several aunts who perfected that look a long time ago! 😀 Oh, back to the boogies for a sec… You have to get the soft pointy blue nose sucker, like they have in the hospital, those will reach whatever you’re after, just don’t shove it so far up her nose that you poke the kid’s brain!

  6. Leanne’s Mommy and Daddy,

    Cradle cap issue:

    Lilly had it really bad so here’s what you do. I got this awesome brush at CVS which is for cradle cap. (about 7 bucks) Use it when bathing, ok not bathing. By the way, a warm tubby is the right prescription for a constipated baby. Before you actually wash her hair, just wet it, put a little vegetable oil on her scalp and brush with the awesome brush. Then wash. It seemed to help for Lilly.

    Good Luck.

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