I swear to God this kid is going to give me a freaking heart attack.

I’m not talking about her new-found temper tantrum kick. Nor am I talking about her obsession with making us read I Love You Through and Through over and over again. Having to read it 8 times in a row to avoid her screaming her head off is enough to drive me freaking insane, but not quite heart attack inducing. I suppose the amount of drinking I’ve done lately to silence the book’s prose as it endlessly plays through my head may eventually cause a heart attack, but I digress.

We started her on solids. Real solids, not just the vaporized fruits and vegetables thing that people claim are solids. Thankfully, I took a CPR class for work a few weeks ago, which has made me feel a little more at ease with the process.

Until tonight, that is. Granted, only one out of every five attempts at picking up a piece of food is successful. The rest have one of a number of results:

  • Dropped down her bib
  • Dropped down her onesie and into the diaper, making for a fun game of “What do you think THAT is?” when changing her later
  • Slides from her fingers into her palm, unreachable by her mouth
  • Falls out of her mouth, mushy and disgusting with baby spit
  • Thrown, forcibly, to the floor, usually mushy and disgusting with baby spit
  • Stuck in her hair by the adhesive qualities of disgusting baby spit

On one rare occasion where food actually entered her mouth tonight, she winced and coughed. I have been repeatedly telling myself she’s still learning and that mistakes will happen. Yet after a few hours, she still looked like she was having trouble getting the turkey meat back up. Some of you may think I’m exaggerating, but in my opinion, time perceived is very real. And those of you who don’t think I’m exaggerating obviously have kids of you own and fully understand what I mean.

Luckily, her gag reflexes kicked in and she coughed it up. Unluckily, I had already shit my pants in fear and bolted upright from my seat, hurting myself in the process.

Tonight was also bath night. Meg and I are very good about never letting her out of our sight; we are in a perfect harmony of passing responsibility off to each other as we weave in and out of the bathroom doing other chores. It’s graceful and elegant.

Suffice it to say, we’re great parents and don’t take our eyes off the kid while she’s in the tub. What that doesn’t do is stop Leanne from randomly deciding to bend straight forward, face-planting into the water. I try very hard at BJJ to be able to stretch like that. Leanne had no issue sitting on her butt and slamming her nose and mouth below the surface of the water.

About an hour earlier, I was at least confident that if she was choking on food, my new CPR knowledge would give me a fighting shot at expunging the offending article of food. What we didn’t cover in CPR was what to do when your baby decides to headbutt the duck in the tub.

After another few hours of watching the poor child gasp and cough water out of nearly every orifice on her head, a red-nosed baby looked up at us and smiled. We finished the bath and I excused myself to make a very strong margarita. I then resolved myself to the bathroom to begin counting gray hairs.


  1. Oh, just you wait! The blood curdling screams that cause your heart to just about stop, you drop everything (literally) and go running, just to find out its because her doll won’t sit in the chair the way she wants it to, or in our case because her brothers elbow was “near” her.

    I am at the point now where I just yell “Are you broken or bleeding?” if the answer is yes, well then I might go and check.

    For the bath thing, my kids did it too, I just sucked it up and stuck my own face in the water and showed them how to blow bubbles, after that they no longer sucked the water IN, made for FUN bathtime LOL Just wait until she learns that a mouthful of bathwater will squirt ALL the way across the bathroom LOL

    Parenthood, oh the joys. I am thinking about writing a book called “What my kids did while I was in the bathroom”, the list would read something like 1-ate a container of Desitin (yes, the diaper cream, and much to my delight posion control said that was OK LOL) 2-called 911,causing the police to show up at my house 3-fed the dog a WHOLE stick of butter resulting in our need to BUY a carpet cleaner and 4-used the egg container (with the eggs IN it) as a steping stool.

    The list could literally go on forever. Have fun counting those grays, the pop up quick once they start to walk.

  2. I’m with Courtney, choking on bathwater ain’t nothin yet! The only difference is that when I hear someone yelling I say “Is anyone bleeding or on fire?” That understand that these are the only two reasons that ANYONE should be bothering me while I’m in the bathroom, even Jeff. Once she’s mobile, I would suggest cabinet locks. The ones I got were GREAT, since we dont have any hardware on the outside of the doors, these install inside and work with a magnet. There is no way she’ll be able to get in them, if nothing else Andrew serves as the best friggin’ child proof tester there ever was. These were the only childproof locks he could not get past. People laugh when I tell them I don’t think I sat down for about 5 years straight, I’m not kidding. As far as the solids go, keep feeding her the soft stuff and just give solids in addition to her regular meal. This way your not depending on her being full just from the pieces she happens to successfully swallow. Start with tiny pieces…even breaking cheerios in half to start, she’ll get the hang of it soon enough. As far as the baths go, my mission was to get them in and out as quickly as possible because she’ll start screaming that she doesn’t want to get out! Read her the book a couple times, when you don’t want to do it anymore, don’t. She might put up quite a fuss, but you gotta start letting her know who’s boss. Crying never killed anybody, if that were true, we’d all be dead! Either distract her with some other toy, or let her exhaust herself with the tantrum and fall asleep. They do have to learn to occupy themselves just like they need to self-soothe at nighttime to fall asleep. Parenting is definitely a learn-as-you-go art. I know she’s your first and you want everything to be perfect, but alas, nothing ever is 😉 I think the worst thing either of the kids did was when I was heating up some milk for Andrew’s sippy cup (33 seconds in the microwave) I came back in with the cup to find him standing on the couch holding a light bulb, which he had just unscrewed from the lamp. Good times, good times!

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