I’m disappointed with human evolution. You’d think by now things that are essential to our survival would be less painful. Like childbirth. Arguably, the 27 labor hours of pain and hardship is the species’ way of prepping you for the next 18 years of pain and hardship, but that’s not my point.

Teething. And I’m not even talking about the pain of actually cutting teeth. That sucks too, but at least it’s thematically consistent. There are side effects that just don’t make any sense. Austin has had explosive shits for the past few days as this latest batch of teeth hits. His ass is so red it looks like a baboon’s. He’s actually walking funny because of it.

Do you have any idea how painful that is for me? Yes, he’s my son, but having to analyze his b-hole to figure out if it’s more or less red than the diaper I changed 45 minutes ago is horrifying. And that’s not even taking into consideration the psychological damage of actual applying the Butt Paste to try to heal it. They don’t make soap strong enough for my hands to ever feel clean again.

To those of you without kids, yes, that’s a real thing. It’s actually called Butt Paste. Millions of years of evolution and what do we have to show for it? Easily grown teeth? No, we have Butt Paste. Yay humanity.

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